Leadership Isn’t About Subordinating Self
I was on a flight recently, listening—perhaps for the first time properly—to the safety briefing.
“In the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.”
It’s familiar. Almost background noise. But it struck me differently this time. Because it runs counter to instinct. Most of us would naturally reach for someone else first—a child, a partner, the person next to us. That feels like the right thing to do. And yet, the instruction is clear. If you don’t take care of yourself, eventually you’re no use to anyone else. It made me reflect on a long-held idea in leadership.
We’re often told that good leadership means putting others first—sometimes described as “subordinating self.” As Simon Sinek puts it, leaders eat last.
It’s well intentioned. And in many ways, it feels right. But taken too literally, it can lead us somewhere unhelpful. Because leadership isn’t about subordinating self.
It’s about subordinating the I.
That distinction matters.
Subordinating self can easily be misunderstood as diminishing or neglecting self. But leadership requires us to bring the best version of ourselves—clear thinking, self-awareness, energy, judgment and presence—especially when others are relying on us most. Leadership is no different to the oxygen mask principle on a plane. If we consistently fail to look after ourselves, eventually our ability to support others diminishes too.
I also think this matters for another reason.
The emerging generation of leaders is already pushing back on the traditional narrative of self-sacrifice in leadership—and rightly so.
Many have grown up watching parents and senior leaders devote themselves entirely to work and others, often at significant personal cost. They’ve seen the burnout, the strained relationships, the erosion of wellbeing and identity.
And increasingly, they’re saying: “I don’t want leadership if that’s the price.” And I think that’s understandable. If leadership is framed as losing yourself in service of others, we shouldn’t be surprised when fewer people aspire to it.
The answer, however, is not to become more individualistic or self-focused. It’s to redefine leadership more sustainably and more honestly. Leadership isn’t about subordinating self. It’s about subordinating I in favour of we.
The shift is subtle, but important.
From: What do I need?
To: What does we need?
You still bring your perspective, ambition, voice and judgment. But leadership asks that those things be placed in service of something bigger than personal validation or self-interest. It’s not less of you. It’s less about you.
This perspective is also why I’ve become less comfortable with the term Servant Leadership. Not because leaders shouldn’t be in service of others—they absolutely should. But the language matters. The word servant can imply subordination, hierarchy, even a loss of agency. And while that’s rarely the intention, language shapes how people think about leadership and their place within it.
Leaders are not servants.
They are in service—of a purpose, of a team, of an outcome. That requires them to show up fully, not step back.
In practice, subordinating the “I” looks like this:
Listening to understand, not to respond
Letting go of being right to get it right
Sharing credit and owning accountability
Making decisions for collective success, not personal validation
But it does not mean:
Staying silent when it matters
Avoiding difficult conversations
Diminishing your expertise
Neglecting your own growth or wellbeing
Leadership isn’t about shrinking yourself. It’s about putting yourself in the right relationship to others.
Not I first.
Not I last.
But I in service of we.